With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, this is for all you Pirates of Penzance fans who have had to deal with the pandemic over the last year.
Pirates of Pandemic Patter
(to be sung at a rapid tempo)
After all the quarantine it’s time to move around, even dance
Ask Gilbert and Sullivan; sing along to Pirates of Penzance
You are the very model of a novel coronavirus
You ruin health, economy, and holidays are quite the fuss
Sneaky how you incubate, 2 weeks ‘til you rear your ugly head
Some folks don’t even know they’re sick while others can’t get out of bed
You mimic every symptom out there, what a tangled web you weave
So many “experts,” self-appointed, hard to know whom to believe
CDC just cracks us up, thinks it knows exactly when you’ll leave
You come and go without reservation, offering no reprieve
Time to take a break from the patter
Let’s talk important next steps that really do matter.
Whether you’ve had COVID or not, you’ll need a checkup in 2021.
It will be different than any physical you’ve ever had before.
In fact, at Caduceus there are three categories of checkups for 2021. As we introduce HUEY, DEWEY and LOUIE, see to which one you relate. Call us quacks if you like, however Caduceus may be the only medical group with COVID specific checkups for 2021!!!
HUEY-
HUEY has not had COVID. He mostly stayed home, wasn’t able to exercise, packed on the COVID 19 pounds, may have consumed more than his usual amount of cheeseburgers and does recall daily happy hour. Diabetes runs in his family however he’s sure he’s fine. HUEY schedules his annual checkup which includes:
- Lab work to check on diabetes, high cholesterol, fatty liver and more
- If female, mammogram and Pap, depending on date of last test
- COVID antibody testing. Huey may have been an asymptomatic case and already have protection. Or Huey many have gotten the vaccine(s) and have antibodies
If over 50, HUEY meets criteria for:
- Colon cancer screening
- PSA if male
- Bone density testing
- Shingles vaccine
If over 65, HUEY meets criteria for pneumonia vaccine.
HUEY is still nervous to go out in public, so the good news is HUEY DOESN’T HAVE TO COME INTO THE OFFICE. We can start the 2021 checkup from the comfort of your home or office.
- Curbside lab draws
- Video Visits to review the tests
- We’ll go from there – some things will require an office visit as we haven’t figured out how to biopsy a mole, pierce an ear, or do a Pap remotely.
Can’t resist the urge to rhyme
Let’s indulge the patter one more time
Virus analogy is a dragon, with a very long tail
Ignore bedrest and do too much, the symptoms come back without fail
Docs try and try, I don’t know why, as we all know there is no cure
Despite Hydroxychloroquine and Ivermectin, you endure
Z-Pak, zinc, lots of vitamins, then Decadron and Tylenol
Trying any and everything, like throwing pasta at the wall
Has convalescent plasma become the ultimate gift to give?
Will sharing antibodies be the thing that helps others to live?
Prone position, oxygen, Remdesivir flowing through the vein
As soon as something starts to work it transforms into a new strain
DEWEY-
DEWEY did have COVID last year, not a bad case. DEWEY took a Z-Pak, some cough medicine, and had an inhaler, just in case. He feels pretty lucky to have been out of commission only a short time. He’s pretty sure he’s back to 100%.
In addition to EVERYTHING COVERED in HUEY’s physical, DEWEY’s checkup will include some additional post COVID labs. Studies show that even people with asymptomatic or mild cases may have post-COVID Syndrome, affecting their organs. Labs may include:
- Tests double checking your heart, lung, kidney, and liver function
- Additional labs looking for post-COVID inflammation
- Antibody testing monthly
OK, it’s time
A little more rhyme…
IgM and IgG – antibodies are talk of the town
Everybody wants a bunch, to last and last and never go down
Pandemic rocked our world so hard and now the aftershocks we feel
Enter Moderna, Pfizer, J& J – is vaccine the real deal?
You are the very model of a novel coronavirus
You ruin health, economy, and holidays are quite the fuss
Learning more each day; using science and common sense best we can
Let’s hope virus this mutates out, and leaves as fast as it began!
LOUIE has survived the monster virus, had a severe case, may or may not have been to the hospital and may or may not be feeling back to 100%. LOUIE may still be experiencing fatigue, occasionally still needs inhalers, sometimes can’t sleep, and his head feels a little foggy. Oh, and LOUIE’s gut is still bothersome. LOUIE is not alone. We are shocked at the number of patients who still have lingering post Covid symptoms. Post-Acute Sequelae of Sars-CoV-2 infection (PASC) is a thing. Worldwide, reported incidence ranges from 10-30%. LOUIE has won the war, however the battleground may have sustained some damage and needs time to repair. LOUIE’s annual checkup will include everything that HUEY’s and DEWEY’s did, and can also start from the comfort of home or office. We may run a few additional tests or labs to specifically check on LOUIE’s heart, lungs, kidneys and brain depending on the severity of LOUIE’s post Covid symptoms. Tests may include:
- EKG
- Echocardiogram
- Pulmonary Function Studies
- Pulmonary Rehab
- Antibody testing monthly
So, for 2021, are you HUEY, DEWEY or LOUIE?
We recommend antibody testing regularly for everyone and will offer monthly antibody options for all categories.
We’ve instructed staff not to giggle if they receive a call asking to schedule a HUEY/DEWEY/LOUIE physical!
Gregg DeNicola MD CMO, Caduceus Medical Group, PDQ Urgent Care & More, & PDQ Telehealth
Mary DeNicola DNP PDQ Operations Officer