Orange County Exclusive Caduceus Interview with "Cov"
(The author directs readers to watch the films Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, High Anxiety, and The Producers prior to reading this blog. Failure to do so may cause credit-or blame- to be given to the author when it should be directed to Mr. Brooks.)
"Life is a play- We're unrehearsed"--Mel Brooks
Our loyal patients probably know Caduceus was the first medical group in the area to offer curbside services and flu tests in February, curbside and telehealth Covid testing in March, and higher complexity Covid antibody testing in April.
Now we are proud to announce our newest achievement.
By taking mucus from a Covid positive patient, isolating the RNA, charging it with 1.21 gigawatts of nuclear power, and putting it through a 3D printer, we have been able to convert a Covid particle into human form! Tweaking the uploading process using Epson microchips, the virus was converted into an exact life-sized replica of Mel Brooks!
Best of all, Caduceus has secured exclusive rights to an actual face to face interview with the virus, who has asked to be referred to as "Cov.” As CMO I am honored to be the interviewer. FYI-I am no Carl Reiner.
CMO: Welcome Cov, full disclosure- I have been trying to destroy you over the past 7 months. So tell me- How are you feeling today?
Cov: (Singing) High anxiety ... it's always the same; high anxiety ... it's you that I blame.
CMO: Sorry. Oh I get it!! You're programmed with Mel’s brain. Reminiscent of one of my favorite movies of yours, Young Frankenstein.
Cov: Ummm...remember, I am NOT actually Mel Brooks- I simply took on his form.
CMO: Oh, of course- I should have known...
Cov: Besides it’s pronounced "Fronkensteen."
CMO: Let’s get right to what our readers want to know; Did you come through bats in China? Or were you a lab-made conspiracy to affect the US Elections?
Cov: Sorry to disappoint everyone, but we are just an old- fashioned mutation from the plain vanilla Coronavirus that causes the common cold.
Our first mutation was in bats, a favorite host of Coronavirus. But we got tired of hanging upside down all day, plus have you ever had to live right over piles of guano? We wanted a new host, and humans were perfect. Nice big nostrils to invade, and better yet, they flush the toilet.. well most of them anyway.
CMO: So was it your plan on taking over the entire planet?
Cov: Hey, we were happy in China. I mean, what’s to not love about Peking Duck? But one day one of the viruses said "let’s get Italian,” so we infected Italian tourists, not realizing all he wanted was a plate of marinara!
It was an honest mistake. So a few Italians get infected, and POW! Next thing you know we are global. We are thinking since Italians won’t keep quiet, always laughing and singing, it kept spreading.
CMO: Is it true you live in the nasal and oral cavities?
Cov: Well DUH! We are Coronaviruses. That's our hood. Oh, we produce cytokines that do damage in all parts of the body, but inside the nose for us is like your Malibu beach house.
CMO: So masks should keep you from infecting other humans then?
Cov: Oh masks are a huge pain. Nothing worse than floating through the air looking for some place to land, and all we see are masks! It’s like you humans using a Club on your new car’s steering wheel. A good thief can get it off, but why not just go to the car next to it without a Club? We see someone without a mask and we say BINGO! If we try, we get through most masks 20% of the time. But then we have to get past the mask of the person nearby so it’s just not worth it. Especially with so many people anti-maskers. They make our job really easy.
CMO: So how does Covid get around? Can you guys fly?
Cov: For a CMO you don't know your virology very well! No we don't have wings. We depend on a good cough or sigh to get us out of one oral cavity and into another.
If God wanted us to fly, he'd have bought us tickets!
CMO: And you can only float for about six feet? So the X's on the floor do work?
Cov: Well our best athletes can make it 10 feet with a good breeze. But with us being able to aerosolize, we can actually travel over 40 feet in a small area with good air pushing us. We just look for someone without a mask, naturally. But the closer together humans are the easier our job is.
CMO: So will you share what's your "Kryptonite?” Does Plaquenil scare you?
Cov: Ok you seem like a nice guy. I’ll level with you...yes, Plaquenil was a problem for us. See, we survive by replicating in the human host. Plaquenil does inhibit our replication. Thank God Trump praised us, that made everyone hate it. By the time studies were started we had mutated against it.
Same with Remdesivir. It was killing us off, but now we know a mutation to counteract it. Fact is, nothing kills us.
CMO: So there's nothing you guys fear? You are just going to infect the entire planet?
CMO: Come on Co....spill it; just between us.
Cov: (Mumbling) antibodies.
CMO: What was that mumble? Antibodies? Like IgG?
Cov: You didn't hear it from me...But it’s DEVASTATING! We float into a nice warm nose, start replicating and then WHAM! The IgG eats us whole! Its barbaric!
CMO: It’s called Phagocytosis. A well known immunologic mechanism. So it DOES work against Covid! The CDC and WHO are wrong?
Cov: Yeah we cut a deal. They cast doubt that antibodies work and we stay out of their headquarters. They know we don't stand a chance against IgG. It’s like trying to break into a sailboat surrounded by 100 Navy Seals! Thank Heaven only 10% of the people we try to infect have it.
CMO: Wait! Was it part of the deal that the CDC not advise repeat swabs on known infections?
Cov: No comment. (Whistling....)
CMO: So you must be worried about a vaccine coming soon? After all, a vaccine is simply a lot of antibody in a syringe.
Cov: Naw. We figure there are enough anti-vaxxers to infect to keep us in business for many years. We find them refusing vaccines as showing no respect, right? So those are our first targets.
CMO: So why did you infect President Trump?
Cov: The guy with the big hair and red hat? Yeah, we targeted him. He was always dissing us. Saying we are no threat. Not encouraging masks. Having super spreader events. Viruses have feelings too!
CMO: How did you get in? Was the Secret Service a problem?
Cov: Are you kidding me? We just went in the nostrils of a couple of White House interns. A Rose Garden ceremony, and the rest was like taking acorns from a blind squirrel!
CMO: Looks like you got the whole White House staff?
Cov: Once we had Trump, we figured why not settle down in the White House? The West Wing is totally cool, and the Situation Room is a trip! We even got a few top secret passwords I can share with you later!
CMO: But did he really have a pretty mild case like he claimed?
Cov: Yeah, we didn’t send out the Big Boys. I mean he is the President after all. Just some of our lower level guys to scare him a bit.
CMO: Would you say you are political?
Cov: Don't be stupid; be a smarty! Come and join the Democratic party!
CMO: I think you mean NAZI Party? In the...
Cov: Whoa! Be careful! We are in a blue state! You'll get boycotted!
CMO: No, No - I mean in The Producers that line went...oh never mind.
CMO: You realize Covid has caused over a million deaths globally? Don't you feel just a little guilty?
Cov: Does a bear feel guilty when he catches a salmon swimming upstream? Does a shark feel guilty swallowing a seal whole? It’s what we do. If it bothers you so much, invent an antiviral agent to combat us like you did with HIV.
CMO: Well perhaps Caduceus is in its lab every day doing just that?
Cov: Don't make me laugh---we are Covid and we will just mutate away from anything you invent.
CMO: Well, Co, Thanks for the interview. I learned a lot. Say, since we have kind of bonded here, before you turn back into 125 nanometers, want to hang out awhile? What do you like to do?
Cov: Sure. 2 things. I like chess.
CMO: A virus knows how to play chess?
Cov: Yeah - it was uploaded from one of our mutations--I think when we visited Magnus Carlsen.
CMO: Chess sounds kind of dull. What's the other thing you like to do?
Cov: Kill people.
CMO: Let’s play chess.
Gregg DeNicola MD
Caduceus Medical Group
Chief Medical Officer
-KNOW IF YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS.
-KNOW IF YOU'RE IMMUNE.
-SET UP A REGULAR TESTING PROGRAM FOR SWABS AND ANTIBODY TESTS.
-STAY HUNKERED DOWN FOR NON-ESSENTIAL ACTIVITIES.